synapse__lapse

so I was the Venus de Milo for Halloween.



it went well, until I got too drunk and vomited. Damn wine. Max had to carry me up 5 flights of stairs.
We celebrated our 2 year anniversary by picnicking in the Tuileries and eating at a vegetarian restaurant. Perfect Parisian day...
Tomorrow we are going to the Mosque for a field trip (sortie pedagogique), to eat couscous, drink mint tea, and smoke chicha. I think of it as a learning experience.
I may be going to Rome next week, and the week after that my mommy is coming to see me. Then we will go up to England to see Harrods decked out for Christmastime and the English countryside in December. And then I will be home for a month.
As much as I miss home, I feel like the whole time I'm there I'll want nothing more than to come home to Paris...
off now to do my hair...shindig tonight with some friends, and I have to look nice so I don't feel bad about myself when all the gorgeous Swedish girls show up (which always happens).

urrrrgh.
i feel like CRAP. damn Santa Ana winds got me sick,I bet. I cant breathe. and my stomach's been hurting for the past like 5 days because I've barely been eating. and not on purpose, either. I just dont feel hungry and when I try to eat I get full really fast and then my stomach hurts. and I'm really pissed off because I feel even crappier because of that.

I wish I wasnt too dumb to be in college, too. I'm sick of being a loser. Im sick of living in goddamn California. My mom and I have been talking about moving. honestly. she asked if I even might want to move by January. NO idea where we'd go or how the fuck we'd do it, but god that would be glorious. and I could go to school, even if its a community college for a year or two, as long as its not FJC. I want to travel and starting school here feels like such a trap. Not that I havent said all this before. I want to move to Montreal. I wonder how willing my mom would be....she's brought it up before. It would probably mean leaving Bill behind, which would be hilarious, but maybe my mom could get healthier (we've been discussing her options...) and feel better about herself and be fine to move away somewhere exciting where life would actually be an adventure again. and I'd study French, which I've been realizing I'm actually pretty damn good at and I might as well do it to the best of my ability, and I could take art classes and History classes and work to become EDUCATED instead of just a lazy-ass.
ok so i'm not too DUMB to be in college. too indecisive, yes, and probably not dedicated enough in the past...but I like to think that if I were in an environment where I could actually feel serious about what I'm doing and not like I'm wasting my time, I'd love it.

I need to go find some food before my body caves in on itself. and load up on medicine and painkillers.
I am SO bad at being alive. Not mentally. Just physically living I'm really, really bad at.

This is Ann's journal.
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